After Knowing Good Men: A List

A few weeks ago I led you into a brief bit of my life with a post titled, K(no)w Good Men, in which I shared with you the wonders of knowing great men of courage and honor, love and care, humor, and creativity.
Some of the people in my life immediately began assuming I was seconds away from engagement and that the man of my dreams had finally figured it out… yada yada yada. None of that happened, and it certainly wasn’t the point of the post…

As a 24 year old woman, who pursues the Lord relentlessly, has a pretty good sense of humor, cares really deeply, can be quite bright about subjects that interest her and otherwise, is quite beautiful both on the inside and outside, and has a good head on her shoulders, a calming presence in difficult times, and is pretty easy to get to know… I happen to be like a lot of my friends. There is nothing innately special about me, my appearance, or my character. I know many other women who share these traits with me.

I also know many other Godly women who share another trait with me… singleness.
Amazing women, mentors of mine, role models in my professional field, mothers in the faith…

In a culture that seems to create lists as a connecting point, I have created a new list (a bit funny, but well meaning).
What do you do when you KNOW good men…
but those good men aren’t “right for you” (I purposefully put this in quotes since I think it’s a funny saying and I’ve heard it a lot).

This list is part entertaining, part serious. I have done all and/or am currently doing some of them. This list is not for everyone, it will not deliver you to some special place, but it is real, down to earth, and it works (for me).

10 Things to Do When You Know Good Men
When You’re Awesome and He’s Awesome and Nothing is Happening

1. Watch This Clip
and laugh. laughter is the first step. This movie is actually  the first step for me.

2. Practice Diligence
in particular, practice this diligence in prayer.
There are things I began praying about years ago and have no more of an answer to them than the day I began, but this is what I have learned during seasons of intense prayer… when my heart is focused upon the Lord, when my thoughts are rooted in the truth, when I am mindful of my time here on earth and its limit… practicing diligence is a trait that comes with that territory.
Find a good book, go through the Bible in a year, choose to journal, create a prayer corner in your home.
For me, this looks like two hand decorated mason jars sitting in my living room, waiting to be filled this year with praises of thanksgiving and prayers and expectations and a 4 pronged fork ring that I wear on days that I know may be particularly difficult.
Find whatever works for you. Find a secret that returns you to the Lord.

3. Give yourself freedom to consume chocolate
if the man was a reallllly good man, this is only fair.
I don’t think this actually needs more detail. Chocolate (insert happy food of your choice here) is delightful.

4. Read Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts
Thankfulness, my friends. Thankfulness.

5. Join a Gym
Not because you need to, but because it feels so good to move your body… and honestly, the endorphins are amazing. My time in the gym each morning isn’t to lose weight or to change to fit some societal pressure, its for me, for my future, and for my happiness. It is so I can do the things the Lord has called me to more easily and with less concern and frustration. If the gym isn’t for you, go sit outside in the cold each morning. Do SOMETHING that invigorates you, reminds you just how alive you are, and gets your blood pumping!

6. Remove Yourself from Temptation
Now this is a tricky one, and I am a hypocrite if I say I’ve got this one accomplished 100% but I sure am working on it.
We all have a person, or two, or a dozen who make us feel good, like we’re not alone, and can entertain us for a time. This is my call to you… delete their number, do not go to their place, and do not respond to their invitations. I can promise you, whatever lies you’re being told that “friends with benefits” is the only option you have to know worth, to feel sexy, and to feel wanted, is a lie of the cruelest kind.
No, I don’t know what lies ahead for you, but you’re gonna have to trust me on this… its better than momentary affection and affirmation.

7. Develop close friendships with married and single women
who celebrate you and the journey you’re on with challenge, encouragement, and support
For someone who is such an external processor, this is so necessary for me. Find women of all ages, and all walks of life to share your own journey with. I cannot begin to speak about this enough. Pursue women you respect and admire, both in your situation, and those experiencing different parts of life and learn, grow, and pour into each other.

8. Be Productive
Feel free to use Ruth as your go-to girl for witnessing productivity. Upon arriving in a new land, Ruth immediately set to work in the grain field to take care of herself and Naomi, who the Lord has entrusted to her (Ruth 2:2). This was a foreign land, an unfamiliar situation, and Ruth was alone, but she knew who walked before, beside, and behind her.
Join (lead!) a bible study, volunteer, go to graduate school, begin a new career, pour into your family and friends, take meals to those in difficult times, craft, pick up a new hobby, discover a new talent…
whatever it is, find your niche and be productive. Not in an attempt to fill time until “the one” comes along, but because the Lord has gifted you and your only possible response to so much love is to live your life for Him in return.

9. Allow yourself permission to listen to one and I mean ONLY ONE Taylor Swift song.
(Insert Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, Adele, or Katy Perry here when necessary)
Immediately following this momentary trip down “Feel Sorry for Myself” Lane, you can return to your positive, affirming music, that calls you to move forward… or turn off all the music and call a good friend, go outside, or install a punching bag in your home (these are all options I have found useful).
If you need an oldie, but a goody, feel free to use my go-to Swift song…

10. Choose joy, hope, vulnerability, strength, and peace
and please, sweet woman, do NOT settle.
As I said in my post a few weeks ago, I know some amazing men. Men, who if they asked, I’d probably be giddy about, but that’s not where my life is at right now, but that does not give me the freedom to settle for second rate. The type of man described in K(no)w Good Men is worth waiting for, and worth keeping high standards. And maybe, he will never come around, and the Lord will call me to use my gifts, talents, and beauty in singleness..
and if that is the case, may I always be a woman who chooses joy, hope, vulnerability, strength, and peace.
Married, single, or otherwise, may we not settle for anything else than an all encompassing pursuit of the Lord.

This list is limited, in no particular order, and very far from all encompassing. But whether you’re a woman or a man, if you’ve ever liked someone who didn’t return those feelings, you can easily identify with some of these.

K(no)w Good Men

I was in a conversation recently with a good friend and he mentioned something that struck me to my core.
Twice during the conversation he apologized for his gender.
“I’m sorry for what men and culture have done to you”

At 24 I have experienced my fair share of moments that make me ask the question “where are all the good men?” I’ve said it out loud, in my head, written about it, laughed about it with my friends… and to be honest, the thought, at times, is a real one. At my worst, I allow it to pervade my thoughts. Its noticeable in my cynicism towards romantic encounters, it is even evident in my bitterness.
(Ugh, the horror of realizing you don’t have it all together!)

I’ve been used, I’ve been mistreated, I’ve cried my eyes out because of a broken heart, a misplaced faith in the wrong one, I’ve thought I’d finally gotten it right… just to be wrong again. Unrequited love has been my constant companion. Jane Austen did not prepare me for downright crappy people and bad endings. I have watched He’s Just Not That Into You and The Holiday on repeat. I have eaten ice cream straight out of the container, gone through boxes of tissues like I was keeping Kleenex in business…
and upon getting to the other side of it all this is what I learned…

I K(no)W GOOD MEN.

I know good men, and I know not so good men (and I know good women and not so good women). The thing is… I know LOTS of good men. Ones who celebrate with me, challenge me (ughhhhh challenge!), who pray for me/with me, who text me back, who take me on dates, who pay just because they want to, who remember my birthday, who set boundaries, who let me invade their apartment (who even let me sometimes cry in their apartments about other men), good men.
Weird, quirky, goofy, out of the box, attractive, funny, frustratingly GOOD men.
They are out there. I have had the delightful chance of knowing so many and calling some of them very very dear friends.
They have healed my messy heart with their friendship and soothed some of my deepest hurts with their care. And they never EVER get enough credit. Sometimes women barely notice them, or they take advantage of them, or “they get picked last.”

So this is for them.

Below are 5 easy steps to spotting a good man.
(what all the good men in my life have in common)

1. He says what he believes, not what you want to hear.
I know plenty of smooth talkers. Smooth talkers are my crux. I love nice words, my heart goes pitter patter for some sweet nothings… but you know what I like even more… truthful words.
Now, I am by no means excusing harsh attitudes (I know plenty of them as well), but this is about the men in your life who speak truth. When they say “You look beautiful”, when they compliment your growth, when they tell you that you are a “strong, independent woman”, they don’t say so because of what they can get out of their good behavior. They say so because they mean it, they see it, and they want to lift you up.
You believe what they say, and you know you can, because they are constant, they are grounded, and they don’t always agree with you.

2. He doesn’t wait to be in a relationship to be a spiritual leader.
Ummmmm can someone give me an AMEN for this kind of man?! No one, man or woman, suddenly becomes spiritually disciplined simply by entering a romantic relationship. Does he challenge you to be better in your friendship? Does he set healthy boundaries and follow through on them? Is he involved in a local church? What does his prayer life look like? Do you see him leading other men around him?
Now… this can look very different depending on the person, but you should still be able to see it… and if you don’t? RUN!

3. He does not confuse strength with coldness.
Lets hear it for vulnerability, folks!
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.” Good ol’ Teddy Roosevelt said that. Find a man who embodies this kind of attitude towards life… he’s a good man.

4. When he’s interested, you know.
I attended a Christian college so I know this one really well. He’s nice, he’s charming, you go for coffee once a week, sometimes you hold hands at the movies, sometimes… sometimes… sometimes…
None of this! When a good man is interested in you… he does something foreign, he does something brave… he lets you know. No beating around the bush, no getting as close as possible before dating, none of that. He says the words “I’d like to take you on a date” (or some derivative of that phrase) and does so (fingers crossed he even pays. “He/she who asks, foots the bill”) with some effort and planning. This doesn’t mean he wants to be your boyfriend, and it definitely doesn’t mean he wants to marry you… but it does mean he’s interested and thinks pursuing someone intentionally is worth the risk.

sometimes they really just aren’t interested… and then you go “get yourself some ribs and some ice cream”

5. He could care less about this list I’ve made.
HA! But really… a good man could care less what some random person says about him.
His integrity, truthfulness, vulnerability, leadership, and pursuit of a good woman do not rest on a blog post, on what his friends think, on cultural perceptions of beauty, or what GQ says.

So lets take a moment to cheer on (pray for) the good men in our lives!
They are out there.

KNOW GOOD MEN.

A Vulnerable Position

I have been told for a significant portion of my life, that my vulnerable and authentic nature allows others to feel comfortable doing and being the same. I’m glad.
I do strive for transparency.

But, I’m not exactly fair… the single thing that has been a blessing and a course, potentially the thing that  has defined me more than any other individual thing is something until this year I rarely talked about openly (except with my mom… shout out to the best mom in the world!)…

my weight.

Oh NO! She said it… she mentioned weight! Shoot (if you’re thinking about clicking out of here, do it now… its only gonna get worse). This taboo subject has lent itself to my ridicule (not really that much. shout out to that kid in 4th grade), my frustration, my joy, my failures, my admittedly distrust of men (working on this), my success, my passions. Unlike my friends of normal body weight (for the record, in the United States that’s a size 12), I have had the distinct pleasure of continually being… in this case, above average.
… and until today, I have not spoken about it publicly. Especially not via a blog that could be (won’t be) accessed by the world.

Why now? When life is going so good, open up a potential can of worms, embrace my long struggle towards healing, shake off the attempts I have made my whole life in an attempt to be “normal”?!

Maybe it’s because I am a gluten (no pun intended) for punishment?
or because I love the sound of my own voice (also true)?

There is some truth to both of those things, but the real truth is that…
I need to. My healing is wrapped up in this conversation, and so it yours (more to come on that in another post).

I am 5’8. I wear a size 26. And I am healing, and beautiful, and messy. And I work out at least three times a week (whoa?!). And I really enjoy carbs (ugh… tell me you don’t and I’ll tell you, you’re either lying like a Persian rug or seriously neglecting one of the most delicious food groups.)

And as of February I started seriously challenging myself to be better, to lose weight (I will never be 130 lbs so don’t get your hopes up. I have no interest of never eating a steak or a piece of cake again), and got serious about this whole “for my forever” thing. Its been slow goings, so I joined Weight Watchers (the 8th grader in me screamed not to do it again… but I’m certainly not in 8th grade anymore) three weeks ago…

I have goals (like weighing 150 lbs some day). Plenty of them.
But here’s my current one (besides writing my masters thesis)… share my story.
So prepare yourselves, here goes the 3 year process of a skinny girl mindset,
loves the feeling right after finishing a run, girl who happens to be in an above average body.

If this part of my life is like anything else it will be messy, pretty funny (okay, hilarious), full of lessons,
probably tearful (ugh. there’s nothing like a good cry), but continually full of hope.
So if you need any of those things…

Join my journey. Begin your own. Because this is what I do know… no one’s story should be ignored.