Once upon a time, someone told me margarine is one particle away from being plastic. I have no idea if that’s true, but in my honest opinion, it tastes like it. When I open a friend’s fridge and that slimy, kinda translucent, chemical induced, fake is the only option I have, it takes great restraint not to point out this shortcoming (and I often do). In fact, I often think to myself… why use anything at all?
Hang out with any cook or a real baker, and they can taste your food and tell the difference. Do I want more of your “famous dessert” or am I saddened that I wasted calories (and who knows what else) on that sweet (read: imposter) treat?
It seems fitting that in this post I harken back to something I posted approximately one year ago: I am on this lose weight, get fit, eat health(ier)y journey because I want to (note: no one told me to do this… here’s looking at you, losers from 4th grade). To date I’ve lost 36 lbs and been keeping it off. Sure in one year I hoped to lose more, but I learned a very important lesson this last year…..
NO AMOUNT OF SKINNY IS WORTH NOT USING BUTTER!!
I would rather be overweight my entire life (and mind you so are most of the women in my family. My mother has the lowest cholesterol of anyone I know, a stellar heart, walks our dog in the evenings, the strongest willpower, and one of the brightest brains I’ve ever met…) than never use butter again. There I said it. Shock and dismay to all of you who think being overweight is the cruelest possibility you’ve ever faced. (please, tell me you feel fat one more time……)
Now, what I am not saying is “Stacey, Bill, Carole… eat all the butter you can find, make all the cookies you can, and eat them all.” No. What I am saying is that, if you’re gonna use a recipe that calls for butter… USE THE FREAKING BUTTER.
Please, feel free to eat half a serving and a gigantic salad on the side if that’s what works for you, but whatever it is, don’t cut corners by using the “ingredient that shall not be named” (see what I did there Harry Potter fans??).
That is all. I’m gonna go make some chicken fettuccine alfredo for dinner. AFTER my workout, after my productive day, and maybe after I eat a giant salad, but you can be sure… that homemade alfredo sauce will have the butter it calls for smack dab in that sauce pan.
A few weeks ago I led you into a brief bit of my life with a post titled, K(no)w Good Men, in which I shared with you the wonders of knowing great men of courage and honor, love and care, humor, and creativity.
Some of the people in my life immediately began assuming I was seconds away from engagement and that the man of my dreams had finally figured it out… yada yada yada. None of that happened, and it certainly wasn’t the point of the post…
As a 24 year old woman, who pursues the Lord relentlessly, has a pretty good sense of humor, cares really deeply, can be quite bright about subjects that interest her and otherwise, is quite beautiful both on the inside and outside, and has a good head on her shoulders, a calming presence in difficult times, and is pretty easy to get to know… I happen to be like a lot of my friends. There is nothing innately special about me, my appearance, or my character. I know many other women who share these traits with me.
I also know many other Godly women who share another trait with me… singleness.
Amazing women, mentors of mine, role models in my professional field, mothers in the faith…
In a culture that seems to create lists as a connecting point, I have created a new list (a bit funny, but well meaning).
What do you do when you KNOW good men…
but those good men aren’t “right for you” (I purposefully put this in quotes since I think it’s a funny saying and I’ve heard it a lot).
This list is part entertaining, part serious. I have done all and/or am currently doing some of them. This list is not for everyone, it will not deliver you to some special place, but it is real, down to earth, and it works (for me).
10 Things to Do When You Know Good Men When You’re Awesome and He’s Awesome and Nothing is Happening
1. Watch This Clip and laugh. laughter is the first step. This movie is actually the first step for me.
2. Practice Diligence
in particular, practice this diligence in prayer.
There are things I began praying about years ago and have no more of an answer to them than the day I began, but this is what I have learned during seasons of intense prayer… when my heart is focused upon the Lord, when my thoughts are rooted in the truth, when I am mindful of my time here on earth and its limit… practicing diligence is a trait that comes with that territory.
Find a good book, go through the Bible in a year, choose to journal, create a prayer corner in your home.
For me, this looks like two hand decorated mason jars sitting in my living room, waiting to be filled this year with praises of thanksgiving and prayers and expectations and a 4 pronged fork ring that I wear on days that I know may be particularly difficult.
Find whatever works for you. Find a secret that returns you to the Lord.
3. Give yourself freedom to consume chocolate if the man was a reallllly good man, this is only fair.
I don’t think this actually needs more detail. Chocolate (insert happy food of your choice here) is delightful.
4. Read Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts Thankfulness, my friends. Thankfulness.
5. Join a Gym
Not because you need to, but because it feels so good to move your body… and honestly, the endorphins are amazing. My time in the gym each morning isn’t to lose weight or to change to fit some societal pressure, its for me, for my future, and for my happiness. It is so I can do the things the Lord has called me to more easily and with less concern and frustration. If the gym isn’t for you, go sit outside in the cold each morning. Do SOMETHING that invigorates you, reminds you just how alive you are, and gets your blood pumping!
6. Remove Yourself from Temptation Now this is a tricky one, and I am a hypocrite if I say I’ve got this one accomplished 100% but I sure am working on it.
We all have a person, or two, or a dozen who make us feel good, like we’re not alone, and can entertain us for a time. This is my call to you… delete their number, do not go to their place, and do not respond to their invitations. I can promise you, whatever lies you’re being told that “friends with benefits” is the only option you have to know worth, to feel sexy, and to feel wanted, is a lie of the cruelest kind.
No, I don’t know what lies ahead for you, but you’re gonna have to trust me on this… its better than momentary affection and affirmation.
7. Develop close friendships with married and single women who celebrate you and the journey you’re on with challenge, encouragement, and support
For someone who is such an external processor, this is so necessary for me. Find women of all ages, and all walks of life to share your own journey with. I cannot begin to speak about this enough. Pursue women you respect and admire, both in your situation, and those experiencing different parts of life and learn, grow, and pour into each other.
8. Be Productive
Feel free to use Ruth as your go-to girl for witnessing productivity. Upon arriving in a new land, Ruth immediately set to work in the grain field to take care of herself and Naomi, who the Lord has entrusted to her (Ruth 2:2). This was a foreign land, an unfamiliar situation, and Ruth was alone, but she knew who walked before, beside, and behind her.
Join (lead!) a bible study, volunteer, go to graduate school, begin a new career, pour into your family and friends, take meals to those in difficult times, craft, pick up a new hobby, discover a new talent…
whatever it is, find your niche and be productive. Not in an attempt to fill time until “the one” comes along, but because the Lord has gifted you and your only possible response to so much love is to live your life for Him in return.
9. Allow yourself permission to listen to one and I mean ONLY ONE Taylor Swift song. (Insert Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, Adele, or Katy Perry here when necessary)
Immediately following this momentary trip down “Feel Sorry for Myself” Lane, you can return to your positive, affirming music, that calls you to move forward… or turn off all the music and call a good friend, go outside, or install a punching bag in your home (these are all options I have found useful).
If you need an oldie, but a goody, feel free to use my go-to Swift song…
10. Choose joy, hope, vulnerability, strength, and peace
and please, sweet woman, do NOT settle.
As I said in my post a few weeks ago, I know some amazing men. Men, who if they asked, I’d probably be giddy about, but that’s not where my life is at right now, but that does not give me the freedom to settle for second rate. The type of man described in K(no)w Good Men is worth waiting for, and worth keeping high standards. And maybe, he will never come around, and the Lord will call me to use my gifts, talents, and beauty in singleness..
and if that is the case, may I always be a woman who chooses joy, hope, vulnerability, strength, and peace.
Married, single, or otherwise, may we not settle for anything else than an all encompassing pursuit of the Lord.
This list is limited, in no particular order, and very far from all encompassing. But whether you’re a woman or a man, if you’ve ever liked someone who didn’t return those feelings, you can easily identify with some of these.
I was in a conversation recently with a good friend and he mentioned something that struck me to my core.
Twice during the conversation he apologized for his gender.
“I’m sorry for what men and culture have done to you”
At 24 I have experienced my fair share of moments that make me ask the question “where are all the good men?” I’ve said it out loud, in my head, written about it, laughed about it with my friends… and to be honest, the thought, at times, is a real one. At my worst, I allow it to pervade my thoughts. Its noticeable in my cynicism towards romantic encounters, it is even evident in my bitterness. (Ugh, the horror of realizing you don’t have it all together!)
I’ve been used, I’ve been mistreated, I’ve cried my eyes out because of a broken heart, a misplaced faith in the wrong one, I’ve thought I’d finally gotten it right… just to be wrong again. Unrequited love has been my constant companion. Jane Austen did not prepare me for downright crappy people and bad endings. I have watched He’s Just Not That Into You and The Holiday on repeat. I have eaten ice cream straight out of the container, gone through boxes of tissues like I was keeping Kleenex in business…
and upon getting to the other side of it all this is what I learned…
I K(no)W GOOD MEN.
I know good men, and I know not so good men (and I know good women and not so good women). The thing is… I know LOTS of good men. Ones who celebrate with me, challenge me (ughhhhh challenge!), who pray for me/with me, who text me back, who take me on dates, who pay just because they want to, who remember my birthday, who set boundaries, who let me invade their apartment (who even let me sometimes cry in their apartments about other men), good men.
Weird, quirky, goofy, out of the box, attractive, funny, frustratingly GOOD men.
They are out there. I have had the delightful chance of knowing so many and calling some of them very very dear friends.
They have healed my messy heart with their friendship and soothed some of my deepest hurts with their care. And they never EVER get enough credit. Sometimes women barely notice them, or they take advantage of them, or “they get picked last.”
So this is for them.
Below are 5 easy steps to spotting a good man.
(what all the good men in my life have in common)
1. He says what he believes, not what you want to hear.
I know plenty of smooth talkers. Smooth talkers are my crux. I love nice words, my heart goes pitter patter for some sweet nothings… but you know what I like even more… truthful words.
Now, I am by no means excusing harsh attitudes (I know plenty of them as well), but this is about the men in your life who speak truth. When they say “You look beautiful”, when they compliment your growth, when they tell you that you are a “strong, independent woman”, they don’t say so because of what they can get out of their good behavior. They say so because they mean it, they see it, and they want to lift you up.
You believe what they say, and you know you can, because they are constant, they are grounded, and they don’t always agree with you.
2. He doesn’t wait to be in a relationship to be a spiritual leader. Ummmmm can someone give me an AMEN for this kind of man?! No one, man or woman, suddenly becomes spiritually disciplined simply by entering a romantic relationship. Does he challenge you to be better in your friendship? Does he set healthy boundaries and follow through on them? Is he involved in a local church? What does his prayer life look like? Do you see him leading other men around him?
Now… this can look very different depending on the person, but you should still be able to see it… and if you don’t? RUN!
3. He does not confuse strength with coldness. Lets hear it for vulnerability, folks! “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”Good ol’ Teddy Roosevelt said that. Find a man who embodies this kind of attitude towards life… he’s a good man.
4. When he’s interested, you know.
I attended a Christian college so I know this one really well. He’s nice, he’s charming, you go for coffee once a week, sometimes you hold hands at the movies, sometimes… sometimes… sometimes…
None of this! When a good man is interested in you… he does something foreign, he does something brave… he lets you know. No beating around the bush, no getting as close as possible before dating, none of that. He says the words “I’d like to take you on a date” (or some derivative of that phrase) and does so (fingers crossed he even pays. “He/she who asks, foots the bill”) with some effort and planning. This doesn’t mean he wants to be your boyfriend, and it definitely doesn’t mean he wants to marry you… but it does mean he’s interested and thinks pursuing someone intentionally is worth the risk.
sometimes they really just aren’t interested… and then you go “get yourself some ribs and some ice cream”
5. He could care less about this list I’ve made.
HA! But really… a good man could care less what some random person says about him.
His integrity, truthfulness, vulnerability, leadership, and pursuit of a good woman do not rest on a blog post, on what his friends think, on cultural perceptions of beauty, or what GQ says.
So lets take a moment to cheer on (pray for) the good men in our lives!
They are out there.
I have been told for a significant portion of my life, that my vulnerable and authentic nature allows others to feel comfortable doing and being the same. I’m glad.
I do strive for transparency.
But, I’m not exactly fair… the single thing that has been a blessing and a course, potentially the thing that has defined me more than any other individual thing is something until this year I rarely talked about openly (except with my mom… shout out to the best mom in the world!)…
my weight.
Oh NO! She said it… she mentioned weight! Shoot (if you’re thinking about clicking out of here, do it now… its only gonna get worse). This taboo subject has lent itself to my ridicule (not really that much. shout out to that kid in 4th grade), my frustration, my joy, my failures, my admittedly distrust of men (working on this), my success, my passions. Unlike my friends of normal body weight (for the record, in the United States that’s a size 12), I have had the distinct pleasure of continually being… in this case, above average.
… and until today, I have not spoken about it publicly. Especially not via a blog that could be (won’t be) accessed by the world.
Why now? When life is going so good, open up a potential can of worms, embrace my long struggle towards healing, shake off the attempts I have made my whole life in an attempt to be “normal”?!
Maybe it’s because I am a gluten (no pun intended) for punishment?
or because I love the sound of my own voice (also true)?
There is some truth to both of those things, but the real truth is that…
I need to. My healing is wrapped up in this conversation, and so it yours (more to come on that in another post).
I am 5’8. I wear a size 26. And I am healing, and beautiful, and messy. And I work out at least three times a week (whoa?!). And I really enjoy carbs (ugh… tell me you don’t and I’ll tell you, you’re either lying like a Persian rug or seriously neglecting one of the most delicious food groups.)
And as of February I started seriously challenging myself to be better, to lose weight (I will never be 130 lbs so don’t get your hopes up. I have no interest of never eating a steak or a piece of cake again), and got serious about this whole “for my forever” thing. Its been slow goings, so I joined Weight Watchers (the 8th grader in me screamed not to do it again… but I’m certainly not in 8th grade anymore) three weeks ago…
I have goals (like weighing 150 lbs some day). Plenty of them.
But here’s my current one (besides writing my masters thesis)… share my story.
So prepare yourselves, here goes the 3 year process of a skinny girl mindset,
loves the feeling right after finishing a run, girl who happens to be in an above average body.
If this part of my life is like anything else it will be messy, pretty funny (okay, hilarious), full of lessons,
probably tearful (ugh. there’s nothing like a good cry), but continually full of hope.
So if you need any of those things…
Join my journey. Begin your own. Because this is what I do know… no one’s story should be ignored.
The week leading up to the writing of this was one of significance. Social Justice Week arrived, and just as quickly left. The week challenged me, as it was difficult to focus on anything else, and it left me encouraged, believing that although I am far beyond qualified for the graduate assistantship on paper, it is a perfect fit for me. It is the right place for my learning to occur, and I am determined that it will provide me with the essential transferable skills that will lead to being a better professional.
With my supervisor unable to this semester, two graduate assistants in my office and I have been called upon to interview candidates for a position in our office next year. With this responsibility, I have begun reflecting on the Lord’s faithfulness in my assistantship placement. Not getting what I want is a continual reflection of the way the Lord has moved in my life, and thinking back on assistantship day and my placement is a clear reflection of that. Faithful is the best way I can describe this journey from all I know on the east coast to the Midwest. A place of cornfields, flat land, and tiny towns.
If you had told me a year ago today that my assistantship title would be “Social Justice Graduate Assistant” I would most certainly have laughed. I spent three years in Residence Life at Messiah College, the most years possible, and had risen through those positions. After my first year a Resident Assistant, the next fall I took on the position of Senior Resident Assistant after a summer of work in the Career Center. My first two years accumulated in being chosen for a new position in their Residence Life staff, because of my experience with first year students, and my previous work with new Resident Directors. My qualifications and my passion for Residence Life made my decisions in ranking possible assistantships very easy. So easy in fact, the Assistant Resident Director position was on the top of my list and working in Taylor World Outreach, at the very bottom. God is faithful.
I began my senior year by arriving early to campus to serve in Witmer, the first year residence hall that I served in during my third year in Residence Life at Messiah. I met a staff who would challenge me, encourage me, share their lives with me, and allow me to lead them. I met my supervisor who would show me what it meant to live the life of a Resident Director authentically and encourage all the best out of me. On a late Saturday night in September while I was on duty, long before many of my peers in the MAHE program were even deciding what to do in the spring, I filled out my application for Taylor University’s Masters of Arts in Higher Education and Student Development program. God had affirmed my interest in the program many times in the year before and the time that would follow. Almost six months later, I found out what my assistantship placement would be. Like many times in my life, God knew much better than my plans. He is faithful.
Here I am, almost an entire year later, finishing check requests and event reports for a week that is the essence of my assistantship title, completing a week that a year ago I would not have known where to begin planning. Today I am struck by the message in Luke 1:45. “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” God has chosen to bless my choice to leave all I know, to have courage, and believe in his ability to lead. That does not mean it these challenges have come without serious growing pains. I have worked through not receiving an assistantship I believe I would excel at, the challenges of a position I did not interview for, and working in an office I knew nothing about. God is faithful through it all however, and truth is more persistent than those growing pains. He is leading me fully because He is faithful. Faithful as the sunrise.
Each year during the month of January everyone wants you to tell them one thing…
“What is your New Years resolution??”
The first week we are strong, resilient, determined to follow through with whatever we’ve pledged to change. We run more, we eat less, we pray harder, we love stronger, we put ourselves out there, we take chances, and we give others a second try.
and the second week…? What about that?
The resolutions we promised we would stick to, another year we believed we would actually change…
and the results of all these failed promises begins to teach us something.
It teaches us that we cannot change. That these failed attempts are just our bodies, or our souls telling us to stay just as we are…
Well. I am here to say that this is the year that kind of thinking stops.
This is the year… of little changes that make a world of difference.
Eat on a smaller plate.
Go for walks while I talk on the phone to friends I miss.
Read more.
Connect on social media less and face to face more.
Breathe out my prayers.
Dance more freely.
Floss regularly.
Laugh how I laugh.
Most of all… love myself enough to treat my heart, my body, my soul with the respect it deserves. This is the truth… I cannot change my whole life, every detail I wish could be different by quitting all my habits cold turkey, but I can love myself and the Lord enough to push further into His truth each day… and change my whole world as I draw closer to Him.
No. I’m not going to change the world this year, but I am going to change my world.
One small decision at a time. One prayer, one assignment done early, one dollar saved.
This is my resolution for 2013.
My kind of resolution.
In an effort to not seem cheesy, I will attempt to refer to the coming year with as little excitement and giddiness as possible within this post. However, that may prove to be extremely difficult seeing as it is my Golden Year…
What is a “Golden Year”? You may ask…
It is the year you turn the age of the date of your birth.
Example… I will turn 24 on the 24th.
… Thus, Golden Year!
This year will consist of…
24 adventures, experiences, celebrations of the everyday made special.
24 moment that I will document with friends, by myself, with my camera, with my journal, with all of you when I blog about them.
24 moments that include traveling far, staying in, something new, something I’ve done before. 24 reasons (excuses) to celebrate life!
So here is the list… (in no real order):
1. Spend two weeks in England and Wales
2. See Taylor Swift in concert
3. A week at the beach with my immediate and some of my extended family and our friends
4. Propose my Thesis for my Master’s
5. Visit Nashville, Tennessee for the first time.
6. Spend time in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania for the thousandth time.
7. Stand of the Canadian side of Niagara Falls
8. Enter the world of smart phones
9. Attend a Chickfila grand opening
10. Craft beautiful things from Pinterest
11. Go on a real date (one I don’t plan or pay for).
12. Read as many Francine Rivers books as I can get my hands on.
13. Enjoy a solid weekend of MVS Time for the first time since graduating college
14. Simplify Simplify Simplify
15. Find and move into a new apartment
16. Attend the weddings of people I love
17. Finish One Thousand Gifts by, Ann Voskamp
18. Do karaoke
19. Send a recording to a major sports team to sing the National Anthem
20. Remind people often how much I love and cherish them in creative ways
21. Take time to walk often, not just because it’s healthy, but because I cherish the ability to do so
22. Be intentional about serving others with my time and my blessings
23. Cook a beautiful meal for all of us in Upland during the Thanksgiving holiday
24. Vow to thank God every morning I wake up, to be optimistic, and to believe in the power of hope.
Maybe this all seems a bit cheesy, and really, it probably is just that… cheesy! However, I am looking for a little cheesy.
I am a cheeseball at heart! And that fact alone probably leads to some of my best qualities.
Afterall, life isn’t just about celebrating the big moments like going to London or singing the National Anthem, it’s in the 100 little moments that happen every single day while praying for our meal with my roommates, or laughing in my office, or my hands being wrinkled from having them in the dishwater so long. So here is to a new year and celebrating all of it’s moments, not just the 24 listed above, and knowing that I am alive and blessed and I have way more than 24 reasons to rejoice and proclaim that God is good! I don’t understand the world the way it is today, but this is what I do know… God is good, He is Lord, and He has given me 24,000 reasons to celebrate this brief time I have on Earth.
I welcome you Golden Year!
I welcome your fun, your adventure, your possibilities, your chances, your changes, your blunders, your boldness, your oddness…
WELCOME!
“Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things,
and for thy pleasure they are and were created.”
Rev. 4:11
The best encouragement is the kind that even when you read it months later, it still hits home. It lifts you up, out of the place you currently find yourself, and pushes you forward. Upward, onward, to better things. It stands in place of darkness and doubt and reminds us of the very things we do not have the strength to tell ourselves. The good things… the you are important, worthy, and loved sorts of things that everyone needs to hear now and again. There is plenty of time for challenge, for struggling in order to grow, for healthy disciple as found in my last post.
However, today is not a day for challenge. It is not a day for struggle or for hard-fought growth. Today is a dig into the archives, pull out that letter, picture, memory that reminds you that even when you feel you’re at the end of the rope… you can trust that there are people who stand in a long, strong, line holding onto the other end. These are the people who although they are miles away and you haven’t seen them in far too long, they are a phone call, prayer, email away and they will, if you reach out, remind you that you’re doing just fine. Better than fine… you’re doing great.
This is what they say to me
“There have been good times and bad, but we’ve grown through them all, which is what really matters.”
“God has done a lot in you and through you this year… and he’s not done!”
“You’re a role model for me”
“You’re beautiful inside and out”
“You have always been on my side from the beginning. Thank you for making me beautiful and valuable.”
“Thank you for living out the beauty which God has given you and for never giving up despite the circumstances”
“You are such a great, giving, loving, beautiful woman with a great heart”
“Thank you for every late night talk, every look of understanding, and every moment you were the only one willing to expect my crazy”
“Thank you Lord for her…”
In the month to come, I will spend part of it with these people again, catching up, checking in on them, seeing where they are at, and that promise of beauty, of rejoicing, of being with truth seekers, encourages me more than anything. It is not everyday that we are given the opportunity to work closely with the kinds of people you want to be more like, and four years in a row I’ve been blessed by positions that bless me with that very thing.
Thank you Lord, for blessings big and small, for picture frames and nine notes, and for the reminder, that even when we think we are, we are not alone. We are never alone. You have placed your angels here on Earth to remind us every now and again… You are here, You are moving, and You have begun a great work in us.
Thank you for giving us people to love us, even when we don’t deserve it, and for believing in our goodness despite proof of the contrary.
Now. I must live to do the same. May my words, my actions, and my work always encourage others.
There are a number of things in my life that have happened and shaped me tremendously.
Many of them occurred while I was at Messiah, many of them are occurring while I’m in the midwest.
One, being told that God loved me just as I was but loved me too much to leave me that way.
And two… being introduced to Anne Lamott (if you haven’t been. consider this your long overdue intro)
As I sit down to write my 10 page Integrative/Reflective Paper about my assistantship, what I have gained from the experience, my brief theology that answers the question “How does this work contribute to the Kingdom of God”, and the positives and negatives of my experience (which is
less than a quarter finished at this point), I cannot help but thing back to where I was at this point last year.
If you had told my early applying to Taylor self that after two interviews, countless written responses about my faith development, my desire to work in higher ed, and my experience in residence life that I would go into an office everyday at 9am and work on social justice initiatives on campus instead of be an assistant residence director, I would have laughed right in your face.
But, like every good story, I don’t know much and God has a funny sense of humor.
And like everything I learned best from at Messiah and every experience that shaped me for the best, I didn’t get what I wanted (see; not being an apartment RA senior year and working with first years again, along with many other “experiences” that many of you know all too well) and in return God opened my eyes not to what I wanted, not to where I was, but to where he wanted me, what he wanted me to see, where he wanted me to go… In the midst of all this change, the tears that were shed on more than one, two, three, or four occasion… something crazy happened.
I fell into it.
Into feeling the emotions of loss, the loneliness of being the one doing the missing, the joy of each text/email/phone call from someone wanting to stay in touch, the shaking of faith that comes from the challenge of starting something new and the triumph I have felt hearing my supervisor tell me that my work has been “full of drive and excellence,” and the contentment that comes down to trusting God and allowing him to change this crazy heart slowly, surely, over time.
And something crazy happened… in the last three months my life has changed. And maybe it began changing the day I let it sink in that God loved me, loved us, right here, right where we are, in our craziness, our out of control selves, but he adores me so much, he won’t me stay here. He, in his infinite wisdom, will not allow me to remain stagnant. Growth it required to show that life exists.
God has not left me where I was, and praise Jesus, he won’t let me stay where I am.
“I do not understand the mystery of grace,
only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.”
Anne Lamott
I write to you from my brand new, first home on my own, apartment! We moved in Wednesday, and it’s been crazy and busy and there are boxes hidden in places I hope you never find them, but we’re in! And sitting here in the living room, perfect lighting with lamps, movies on the stand, books on the shelves, and bible on the coffee table, I am content and enjoying a peaceful evening on my own. Spending time alone is a luxury I will never forget to take full advantage of ever again.
Lessons learned from week 2 of Indiana life…
1.) I have something to confess. In the last four days I have watched more How I Met Your Mother than anyone should. It really is beginning to worry me how much I have enjoyed season 6. I believe I am a real fan now… (being a real fan means you sit down and watch episode after episode).
2.) I have a growing obsession with music from Dave Barnes. If you haven’t listened to him, go ahead, do it. You will never be sorry. His music is the most uplifting, pleasant, make me wanna dance in my bare feet on our hardwood floors while our string lights glow music in I’ve ever heard. “Amen” will be played if I eve get married, and I will dance slow and in love… (okay, rabbit trail).
3.) Your only as far as your heart feels. Letter writing, phone calls, text messages whenever I think of someone I care about, reminds me that they are not gone just because I am away. In the last two weeks I have received four cards and a very wonderful package from home (friends, family, family friends, I am so lucky to have them!). I guess when I told my parents that I missed home (by that I mean, cried solidly for a long portion of my first two days alone), they put out the call to everyone that I needed some extra lovin’ from afar, and boy did they come through!
4.) Sometimes you just need to delete that number (and sometimes you need to add one back in). This idea is pretty self-explanatory.
5.) If “being a mother” was a strength, it would be obvious enough in my life that it’s noticed everywhere I go. I guess I shouldn’t complain though, it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever been called.
6.) Being confident is more than what you think. It’s how you act, what you say, and the way you carry yourself. You can say the words, but do you believe them? This week I remembered what it means to me to be known so well by friends that aren’t afraid to call me out. They know my baggage, heavens, I guess technically they are some of my baggage, but there is something about baggage… we’ve all got it, and depending on how we use it, that baggage can really open up to joy.
Some of us use our past, that baggage we carry, and we use it to the beat the new people who come into our lives. And we should really know better, we know just how heavy it is after carrying it for so long. We should be kinder to the people we meet. We should give them a chance.
Maybe if we’re lucky we’ll sit all that baggage down, open it up to inspect it, learn from it, become better because of it, and see how we can use all that baggage to become more interesting, more compassionate broken beings. And maybe, if we’re so blessed, someone will come around and not just look into that bags we’ve set down, but help us unpack them…
maybe…
I believe in the “maybe”. I believe in the possibilities. I believe that even when I think there is no way, there is no chance, there may just be a way. Maybe someday I’ll be proven so wrong and maybe someday I’ll look up to an open hand and invitation to dance…
maybe.
Until then, however, I will revel the dance I’m already enjoying.
openhandsfullheart 